looking back.

posting has been pretty rare for me. its not that i don't have anything to say... but finding the time is hard.

this time of year (and this year especially) my mind is spinning. so many thoughts. reflection, resolution, clarity. whatever you want to call it.

the transition of becoming a parent and losing a parent? its harder than you think. london is now 2 years old, but i'm still becoming a parent. i learn more every day. and the 2 parents i want to learn from? they're gone. i'm winging it. i'm trying to remember what they taught me... how i was raised. what made me who i am. unfortunately, all of that changed when i lost them. that changes you. and no one gets that. i feel like i talk about it alot, that at this point... i'm sure everyone is thinking "we get it aimee. you miss your parents". but you know what? its so much more than that. i miss them every day. thats an obvious understatement. but not having parents? watching your mom die in front of you? imagining how your dad took his last breath? those are the turning points in your life that change you.

it changes everything about you.

how you laugh, how you smile, how your eyes never see the same again.

everything becomes "what if" and "why didn't i do more". you hold onto specific moments and re-create them in your head over and over. and i know, after time, those re-creations will slowly change, and i won't be able to remember. but thats all i have... those fleeting memories.

and then i think more about my life, ian, london. i wonder if i'll be an amazing mom and wife. i'm trying (but i need to try harder). i need to worry less and enjoy time with them more. i'm still trying to balance life, work, and me time. right now work is winning... with little-to-no me time. i want to get back into photography, sewing, cooking. the things i used to do when i "worked" from home. i dont remember when the change happened... was it working full time again, having a baby, or just getting older. do i just not have the energy? am i really just lazy? whatever it is, it needs to change. i need to try harder and do more. not just for me, but for london and ian.

i want more and i want less. i want more time and experiences, i want less "stuff". with most people i know, its always "more, more, more". more clothes, more furniture, more electronics, always getting the newest version of what you already have. and that includes me and ian. sometimes it makes sense. sometimes you need a new toaster oven. but when we have a storage space storing "stuff that we need".... if we need it so much, why aren't we using it? do we have too much stuff for the space that we have, or is our space too small? we're trying to figure that out. we've been looking for a new house for over 2 years. during that time, we decided to start looking for land, so we could build our perfect house. i'm hoping that happens in the next year, but i also hope that WHEN it happens, we pare down what we have > what we need > what we actually want.

this year i'll turn 39, so i can't say if this is a mid-life crisis or not. i hope not... because i'm really hoping i'll live past 78. but i keep thinking, at this age i should know what i want and who i am. i'm no longer the urban sophisticate i tried so hard to be at 28. i'm not really a soccer mom. i can't say that we (yes, ian too) are the green urban hipsters that we sometimes think we are. when will i figure this out? when i'm 40? i feel like everything has changed in the past few years. i became a mom, but i also became a caregiver from afar. i learned about priorities and responsibilities. i learned about unconditional love and humility. i learned about loss. and that you can't take anything for granted.

goodbye 2011. 2012 has promise... promise for remembering without crying, finding myself, and becoming the mom and wife that my parents taught me to become. i'm ready for it.