i've posted very infrequently over the past 2 years... life has a way of taking over your free time, and with flickr + facebook, its always hard to find time to write a post.
but sometimes, you just need to write more than a status update.
it takes awhile to put those feelings into words. feelings of loss, abandonment, sadness. i feel like i've experienced my share of loss and pain over the past 4 years. when i lost my dad, i shut down emotionally and wrote about my pain. during the days he was in hospice, i prepared myself to be *with* him when he died, but i never really prepared myself for his death. i felt abandoned and helpless... losing the one parent that i could still talk to. i went into a winter hibernation and closed myself off.
in the 3 years since then, i developed a new relationship with my mom. over those years, the alzheimers slowly changed her, and she recognized me less and less. i also recognized her less and less. i would still visit, but on every drive back home to pittsburgh, i would cry over the loss of my mom. she was a woman that i didn't know anymore, and who very clearly didn't know me. i didn't get to ask her the questions i wanted to... she wasn't even speaking during the last months. i took london in to meet her; i honestly don't know if my mom knew she was holding her granddaughter or a doll, and that breaks my heart. i lost my only living grandmother when i was 5 years old, but i still have a few memories. london will never have that.
i lost my mother 1 month ago today. her death was very different than my fathers. even though he was in hospice, his death was sudden. we weren't there with him, and i still feel incredibly guilty that he was alone. on the day that my mom passed, i got the call that i should come to erie if i wanted to be with her. i left work and drove to erie thru a blur of tears. it was st. patricks day, and the sun was shining. it was strangely warm in erie. she finally looked like herself again... a very old version of the mom i used to know. i don't know if she knew i was there or not, but penny and i sat by her side, holding her hands. she had been "alone" for the past 3 years, i didn't want her to die alone and scared.
but i wasn't prepared for it. i can vividly remember how she looked, how she was breathing, and the tear rolling down her cheek as she took her last breath. i still wake up at night, remembering that clearly. her death. thats not what i want to remember. i want to remember more. i want to look back and remember the mom i knew when i was little. the mom that gardened, suntanned, and canned with my dad. the mom that made us our easter dresses every year. the mom that would have taught me how to raise a daughter. i wish i could remember more. i wish i had asked her more questions. i wish my mom knew she wasn't alone when she died. i wish there had been more time. i wish alzheimer's wasn't a hereditary disease.
i am 37 years old and i no longer have parents. i am, now, an orphaned adult.
i miss them.
